Ever since I was a wee lad, my favorite comic book character was Venom. He was essentially my 2nd favorite comic character, Spider-Man, but darker and more edgy, and my preteen ass ate that crap up. He’s just such a fun character that has gone through so many changes and metamorphosizes yet has always remained cool and iconic in my eyes. And yeah, I even like him in Spider-Man 3. Say what you will about his shoehorned inclusion or having Topher Grace play Eddie Brock, I still loved it and I couldn’t wait for the potential day that a Venom movie would come to fruition. Especially when the MCU really started to pick up steam and Spider-Man was brought into the mix, I could not wait to see what Marvel had planned for the lethal protector. There’s just one little problem: Sony.

I have made it very clear on this channel that I think Sony has completely crapped the bed with its Spider-Man universe that does not have Spider-Man. Their attempts to create an extended universe using the B and C players of the Spider-Man mythos has not produced a single moderately good outing, and yes, that includes the Venom trilogy. Let’s ignore the fact that Spider-Man, an integral piece to the identity and creation of Venom, is not in. Genuinely, I think it could still work; it wouldn’t be the same and lose part of what makes their dynamic so compelling, but I still think it could work. But that first Venom movie was not very good in my eyes, and its follow up was even worse. And now we’re here; the third film, manipulatively named The Last Dance to imply we have reached the end of the road on this truly gripping story, meaning we’re going to go out with a bang. But it’s not really a bang like a firework; more like a bang of explosive diarrhea hitting the toilet bowl.

Venom: The Last Dance is nothing. It does nothing, satisfies nothing, and means nothing. It’s an overly complicated yet shockingly barren film that has not learned from the missteps of its past films and has opted to continue to crap out ill conceived and underbaked ideas while coasting on the recognizability of the titular character. The duo of Eddie Brock and Venom are the high point, but that high point is only a few inches off the ground. It’s shockingly boring, barren of any real sense of joy or emotion, and it immediately backtracks on its own identity as soon as it can, because when has Sony ever been able to turn down a couple extra bucks.

Eddie Brock and his symbiote pal are on the run from the government and try to head to New York to seek asylum. But they quickly find out that they are also being hunted by monsters sent by a galactic evil that needs something the two have. From there, the duo engage in a buddy road trip where they meet new faces, old friends, and plenty of wasted potential.

I said Eddie and Venom’s relationship is still the highlight of the film, but I thought it’s never felt weaker than this film. They’re still kind of the same bickering married couple, only this time the film makes it a point to try to remind you of how much they’ve been through together. All the ups and downs and the wacky misadventures, as if you were supposed to really feel something for this pairing. These two losers’ relationship never feels as deep or as personal as the film suggests, but I can’t really blame Tom Hardy for a lot of it. His Eddie Brock has gotten increasingly more sweaty and dirty as the film goes on, and I like that. I do like that he’s stayed a schmuck that gets progressively more confident throughout the films, but as a character I feel like there’s not a ton to get behind. As for his Venom voice…yeah, I still can’t understand what he’s saying half the time.

As for the supporting cast, it’s the same crime as the previous films: talented actors given absolute hogwash to work with. Chiwetel Ejiofor and Rhys Ifans are probably the biggest head scratches here considering Ejiofor is the MCU’s Baron Mordo while Ifans portrayed The Lizard in The Amazing Spider-Man and more recently, Spider-Man: No Way Home. Given how it seems Sony has been adamant about finding ways to join their universe with the MCU, this feels weirdly misguided and proof that they have no real direction ahead. Ejiofor’s Rex Strickland is pretty much a generic military commander, while Ifans’ Martin Moon does deliver on some goofy, hippy shenanigans that ultimately doesn’t lead to anything worthwhile. And then there’s Knull, god and creator of the symbiotes, who is orchestrating the whole thing to free himself from a galactic prison. You could tell Sony wants this to be their Thanos-level threat, which seems odd to introduce in what you’re labeling as your finale. Hint hint. Aside from a big dumb exposition dump at the beginning and a worthless mid credits scene, he does not leave an impact in the slightest, purely a pair of jingly keys to shake at you to try and convince you this film is better than it is.

The biggest detractor of these films for me has been the writing. Now, I know what I’m getting myself into with a film like this. I’m not expecting Aaron Sorkin-levels of dialogue and wit, but I’m at least expecting it to be entertaining. Venom is a funny character, and despite Hardy’s weird but entertaining line deliveries, I never found anything he said to be funny on its own. Almost every attempt at being humorous or clever fell flat to me. Say what you will about the quippiness of the MCU, but that has a far higher batting average than anything Sony has created. Everything that isn’t meant to be funny just ends up being bland stereotypical action movie jargon, feeling like filler that’s meant to be glossed up later in a rewrite. Sometimes the writing doesn’t make a ton of sense. Take these Xenophage aliens hunting Venom; they see in static grayscale and can only track Venom when he is in his full form. If Venom turns back into Eddie, he’s pretty much invisible to them, even if he’s standing right in front of them. But Venom can still project himself without triggering their sight, it’s only when he’s fully formed. Does this mean Venom could just, like, leave one of Eddie’s fingers visible when formed and the aliens couldn’t find them? Also, when Eddie and Venom get separated, the Xenophage still knows to track the helicopter they are being carried in despite it being unable to see them a minute earlier when they were right in front of it? Sure, this is maybe nitpicking, but I think it just reflects how little thought went into this.

Here’s a scene that I think perfectly encapsulates Sony’s handling of the Spider-Man properties. So, Rex Strickland is tracking Venom to Vegas, and he has a call with a shady higher-up asking for permission to utilize “The Six”. Ooo, sounds so cool and badass. Now, we know Strickland works for an organization that’s housing several symbiotes, so my first thought was “Oh, they’re going to send in a special ops team bonded with symbiotes to hunt down Venom, and then later on Venom and those symbiotes will have to team up to face a common threat”. But the very next scene when Venom is captured, it’s just six regular special ops guys that subdues him. Those symbiotes come into play later, but their inclusion feels way less meaningful and uninteresting. That’s Sony’s Marvel films; they have interesting tools at their disposal, but they have no clue how to utilize them to their fullest potential. 

What else is there even to say? The effects for Venom and the Xenophages are quite good, but a lot of these digitally generated environments look terrible, and some of the other symbiote effects in this are just downright laughable. The needle drops are predictable and boring; I guess the well they call the Sony music vault is running a little dry. 

Earlier this year, Sony put out Madame Web, one of the worst superhero films I’ve seen in years. It’s a baffling mess of a movie, but honestly I’m currently wondering if I liked it more than this. Yeah, Madame Web is laughably terrible, but at least it made me feel some kind of emotion; at least it was so bad that I couldn’t look away. I wanted to mentally check out multiple times throughout this, despite there being some semi-decent action sequences and corny fun. Venom: The Last Dance, like the first two films, does not do the character justice, nor does it come together to form a baseline decent movie. It’s mindless, but not in a way that impresses you with the sheer absurdity of it; it just makes your eyes glaze over and smooths your brain into a slick pebble. It has no real admirable identity to it, no real style or substance that makes me think “Hey, at least an effort was made.” Some people are trying, like Hardy, the VFX team, and the marketing team considering this thing is doing well at the box office, but it isn’t enough to make me like this. This isn’t even “The Last Ride” as the film labels itself; it’s just has no stakes, no emotional resonance, and no reason to put my faith into Sony’s live-action Marvel properties. 

RATING

LETHAL PROTECTOR

The symbiote unlocks a darker side of yourself, sometimes making you do crazy things, like drink balsamic vinegar! But actually, you don’t need a space parasite to justify that. Balsamic has been utilized in cocktails for many years now, opening the door for new and exciting flavor combinations. The Lethal Protector is my crack at it, combining the potent vinegar flavor alongside biting tequila, tart lemon, and sweet blackberries. The final product is quite nice and refreshing, with just a little bit of burn thanks to the inclusion on ginger beer. If you’re a fan of margaritas, this is a great starting point on your journey into balsamic cocktails and referring to yourself with plural pronouns.

INGREDIENTS

• 1.5oz tequila
• 1/2oz blue curacao
• 3/4oz balsamic vinegar
• 3/4oz lemon juice
• 4 blackberries
• pinch of black sugar
• Rim: Salt
• Top: Ginger beer

INSTRUCTIONS

1. Using a lemon wedge, rim a glass with salt, then set aside.
2. Add vinegar and blackberries to a shaker, then muddle.
3. Add additional ingredients and ice, then shake to chill.
4. Double strain into prepared glass.
5. Top with ginger beer.