Christmas is right around the corner, and I am elated. I just love the season so much. The muted colors, the lighting so dark that you can barely see where you are, the emphasis on government contracting. Does that not sound right? We’ll that’s what Red One seems to think Christmas is.

Christmas movies can come in all shapes and sizes, from stop motion, to Hallmark, and even brutal displays of violence. There’s seemingly millions of these kinds of movies because while they differ in approaches, their mission remains the same; show off the reason for the season and what it means for all who celebrate. Red One does not do that. It did not make me holly, it did not make me jolly, and it certainly did not fill me with Christmas cheer.

Red One is a bland, apathetic, overblown Christmas action film that hardly ever feels like it has to do with Santa or elves or even the month of December. It takes a half-assed superhero approach that features charmless wit and retreads the genre’s most obvious stories. On top of that, it looks atrocious with its under-saturated color pallet and commercial lighting style. But above all else, it fails to capture the magic and spirit of Christmas, which in my eyes makes Red One DOA.

When Santa Claus is kidnapped on the eve of Christmas, his most trusted “elf” Callum Drift must team up with an infamous hacker to track down the man in red to save the holiday and also remember the true meaning of the holidays.

Ladies and gentlemen, we have ourselves another Dwayne Johnson vanity project here. I usually define a vanity project as something that Dwayne has put personal stock in that presents him in a very particular way. We saw it a few years ago in Black Adam, and we pretty much get the same thing here. Johnson tackles this role like he does many of his other most recent roles; with stoicism, self-seriousness, and baby oil. I’m not sure when Dwayne decided to discard all the charisma and charm that made him a star in the first place for these wooden badass types, but it’s truly a disappointing turn in his career. The character of Callum Drift, which sounds like a name deemed too stupid for Fast and the Furious, is the typical no-nonsense, straight laced, all business character that, for me, only really works if there’s more of an irony to him. Johnson plays the role so serious to the point where there’s no chance of finding any humor in his situations. Granted, the rest of the world the film inhabits is also super serious, so you don’t even get the juxtaposition of having this character stomp around Bermuda or a shopping mall. It feels like a role scientifically designed to show how cool Johnson is without letting a shred of humanity or even fragility bleed through. His arc of believing in humanity again never really feels all that weighty, and by the time the film ends, you’re left thinking “that’s it?”. Also, I’m not entirely sure what he’s supposed to be. The department he works for is called ELF, but he doesn’t have ears or anything, though he can shrink to elf size. Also, he’s apparently hundreds of years old? It kind of feels like he thought he would look too uncool with elf ears so they left the whole thing ambiguous. Look, if Idris Elba could make it work, I’m sure you could have too.

Paired alongside him is Chris Evans as Bostonian scumbag hacker-for-hire Jack O’Malley, who I’ll admit is the more interesting one of the two. It really comes down to Evans’ performance, as his story of going from lowlife to hero to save his son is pretty by the books and feels very reminiscent of The Santa Clause. Other than him, no one really seems to stand out. J.K. Simmons as a buff Santa Claus sounds cool, but he’s barely in it and doesn’t really leave much of a mark on the film. Nick Kroll has like one scene, and he’s so goofy and over the top that I can’t help but wonder if he was the only one who realized what kind of movie he was in. But, I do have to give credit to one performance here, and that’s Kristofer Hivju as Krampus. He actually has an interesting backstory as Santa’s disgraced brother, who is brought to life by some truly stellar prosthetic work. I would have much more preferred a film about him and maybe his rocky relationship with his brother, but unfortunately he’s stuck being the best part of a worse movie.

I definitely want to give props to the makeup department here, because the scenes involving Krampus also host a ton of other great creature designs. Which makes me wonder what happened with the rest of the film, because it often looks terrible. The design of the North Pole is so uninteresting, and you barely ever get to see it because all of its scenes are shrouded in darkness, no doubt to hide its imperfections. Most of the film either takes place in the real world or shrouded in darkness, and it really shows how poor and uninventive the art direction feels here. The effects are a mixed bag; at their best when creating the odd Christmas creature, but at it’s worse when trying to pass off a sound stage as anything but. My biggest issue with the film’s visuals, however, comes down to the film’s coloring. Christmas is a time of bright lights and rich colors, and this film is devoid of each. If you caught most of these scenes without knowing what the film was, I don’t think you could guess this was supposed to be a Christmas movie. It doesn’t look like one and it doesn’t sound like one either.

I was kind of shocked how bad the writing was here, especially on a comedic level. Director Jake Kasdan has so many heavy hitters under his belt from Walk Hard to even the recent Jumanji movies, that I was shocked at how unfunny it was. And not even from an adult critiquing a kids movie kind of way; nobody in my theater laughed through most of it. The film doesn’t really take great advantage of Johnson or Evan’s skills, and the two come off void of chemistry because of it. From a story perspective, it takes a kind of cool idea and lessens it with generic plot points. Jack O’Malley’s story with his child feels incredibly rushed, while Callum Drift’s whole internal issue kind of just resolves itself by the end. There’s even elements pulled from other films that are executed in a much less interesting way. Callum essentially has Ant-Man powers but never uses them in as clever of a way, while the whole “elf agent” schtick was a lot more fun in The Santa Clause. There’s just no real fun or identity to be found through most of this, lacking its own personality and deciding to be as safe and manufactured as possible.

Look, I could see what people saw in this. A Christmas action film with two of the biggest actors in the world should be easy money, but this sure as shit is not what a $250 million movie should be. It’s clear a good chunk of that money went to the stars when it should have been invested more into the actual moving parts of the film. Red One almost feels like an anti-Christmas film at the end of the day; void of any real holiday spirit other than the fact it happens to feature Santa. It doesn’t really say a whole lot about the holiday or how we celebrate it, coming off as a heavily focus-tested, AI-generated piece of content only concerned with reeling you in with its stars and premise, but leaving you dissatisfied once you’re actually seated. There’s no emotion to it, it takes itself too seriously, it’s visually bland, and even though it has like one good segment to it, it can’t be saved from being a lump of coal in the stockings we call the cinemas. I think it’s time for Dwayne Johnson to quit worrying about changing the hierarchy of whatever genre he’s taken an interest in and just worry about being in good films.

RATING

WINTER WARZONE

Christmas is about family, togetherness, and all-around holiday cheer, right? WRONG! It’s about playing with your new toys, which is exactly what I did for this cocktail. I recently got myself an ISI cream whipper, and wanted to to test it out for the first time on a cocktail. With this handy device, I was able to create my own peppermint foam to top this cocktail with, and I am super happy with the final product. The minty bite of the foam pairs excellently alongside the slightly tart cocktail that provides quite the burn thanks to the rye whiskey and ginger. The flavors of peppermint and cranberry bring the feeling of the holidays early to create an all around enjoyable drink. Expect more tinkering with the cream whipper in the future!

INGREDIENTS

• 2oz rye whiskey
• 1oz cranberry juice
• 3/4oz ginger syrup
• 1/2oz lemon juice
• 3 dashes Peychaud’s bitters

Peppermint Foam:

• 1.5oz peppermint schnapps
• 1oz lemon juice
• 2 egg whites
• 3oz water
• TOOL: ISI Cream whipper

1. For the foam, add all ingredients to your cream whipper.
2. Screw in a N2O charger and give the whipper a shake.
3. Remove the charger and add another one, giving the whipper another shake.
4. Put whipper in fridge for at least 30 minutes.
5. In a shaker, add your cocktail ingredients and shake with ice.
6. Strain into glass, then top with foam.