Bold move for this movie to attempt to get you to empathize with a sex trafficker.

Netflix has been making a comeback recently, gathering the rights to exclusive pictures to release on their platform alone, as well as adding beloved and incredible movies of the past to their library. They’re bigger than ever right now, but they are not void of missteps.

For every incredible Netflix original show or film, you have a slew of some of the worst pieces of cinema ever conceived. 365 Days is no exception. The film is a colossal mess of faux-emotion and laughably aggressive sex scenes, burying any semblance of a story. The intended audience must be that niche selection of people that watch porn and think: “Hm, there just isn’t enough plot and dialogue for me”.

365 Days follows Laura and her kidnapper-turned-lover Massimo. Laura, struggling with a going-nowhere relationship, is one day kidnapped by a lustful, sex addicted crime lord after he falls madly in love with her after seeing her for 5 seconds. Massimo claims he will get Laura to love him, but if she does not fall in love with him after a year passes, he will set her free.

Now, there are some pros to this movie believe it or not. Where the Fifty Shades of Grey series struggled to harness the sexual edginess of its source material, 365 Days goes a lot farther with its imagery. It’s not hardcore enough to literally be classified as porn, but it comes close. If you’re only here for those scenes, you might leave satisfied. But come on, there’s free websites for that. Additionally, the film can be quite funny at times. Unfortunately, any laughter I had came from scenes that were most definitely not meant to be laughed at.

So, there’s the good 5% of the movie. Now let’s talk about the other 95%. If you’re going to make a film revolving around the effects of Stockholm syndrome, you had better have a good understanding of it. If not, you just have a film that glorifies kidnapping and sexual assault.

“But he’s handsome and charming and takes good care of her!”

Cool, he still works with people that traffics children and murders people. There’s definitely a psychological analysis to be done on the subject of someone falling in love with someone like that, but believe me, this film doesn’t try to be any deeper than a puddle. The journey these two embark on to fall in love doesn’t feel believable or realistic in the slightest. It makes them shitty people, but not the good kind of shitty that makes them interesting to watch. Laura and Massimo are just annoying, overdramatic caricatures spawned from an embarrassing fantasy the writer had one night.

The “story” is nothing. The movie moves forward essentially like this:

Grand location -> Wealth flaunting -> Sex scene -> Repeat

The pacing is so slow and predictable that I found myself nodding off half the time. You get used to the beats and stop being surprised after the half hour mark. Also, it’s a 2-hour movie. Somehow, they found a way to make a film rooted by sex and thrills so unbelievably boring. Not only that, but it’s a headache to even look at. The film is cut in a way that makes it feel like a music video most of the time, and the coloring is just gaudy and obnoxious. Partnered with these issues is a soundtrack of some of the most generic, royalty free-sounding indie pop and rock I’ve ever heard. The film relies on it so much to elevate the actions on screen, but they just feel like they were thrown in without any thought because “a movie has to have music!”.

I can’t justify any reason to watch this. It’s not even funny enough to warrant a bad movie night with friends. It’s awkward, try-hard garbage made only for the absolutely depraved. If you have an internet connection, you can find better stories and better pornography than this.

Rating

Typically this would be the part where I show you how to make a drink inspired by the movie. However, because the only drink this movie inspires me to take is a tall glass of bleach, I’m not going to dignify this film with a cocktail. However, I am still going to leave you with something.

If you do find yourself having to watch this, whether it be by free will or kidnapping, you should still have a drink in hand. To help increase your enjoyment of the movie, I’ve devised a drinking game that will hopefully show you a good time and leave without a single memory of this film.

365 Days: Drinking Game

1. Drink every time Massimo says “Are you lost baby girl?”.
2. Drink every time there’s a sex scene.
3. Drink every time Massimo tells Laura not to push him.
4. Drink every time Laura pushes Massimo.
5. Drink every time an obnoxious song comes on.
6. FINISH your drink the first time Massimo and Laura have sex.