INCREDIBLY ORIGINAL AND FUNNY JOKE INCOMING:

This movies sucks.

END OF INCREDIBLY ORIGINAL AND FUNNY JOKE.

Morbius is Sony’s latest attempt at building out a Spider-Man cinematic universe…with no Spider-Man. There’s a bunch of legal BS going on between Sony and Marvel Studios that seems to be halting Sony from using the character of Spider-Man in their films, but the rogues gallery is free range. They’ve already kick-started this concept with Venom, but the reception hasn’t exactly been stellar. Now they are further looking to place their stake in the superhero movie with Morbius the Living Vampire, a Spider-Man villain and occasional anti-hero. Is this the powder keg Sony has been looking for to blast them to the same heights as Disney?

Nope.

Set in who knows what Marvel universe, Dr. Michael Morbius (Jared Leto) has been working his entire life to discover a cure for a rare blood disease that has stricken himself and his childhood adoptive brother, Milo (Matt Smith). Desperate for progress, Morbius begins to experiment with the blood of vampire bats, because why not. His tests work, but the monkey’s paw of this success is that he has now become a living vampire, stricken with an insatiable lust for human blood. The good doctor must struggle with controlling his newfound abilities, while also coming to blows with Milo once he decides to fully embrace his vampiric side.

This film is embarrassing. It’s generic, boring, cliche and incredibly uninspired. This thing has gone through reshoots and delays since early 2020, so it’s hard to say exactly who fumbled this one *cough* Sony. Everything in here feels like it was ripped straight out of the early 2000s, from the music, to the writing, to the effects. There’s so much to talk about I don’t even know where to begin.

How about with the leading man, Jared Leto. A man known for his firm commitment to a role, preparing for each character by acting like a straight asshole to his cast and crew. This man is just sleepwalking through this one. The character of Michael Morbius is already pretty blandly written, but Leto’s performance just drags the entire thing down. He’s not likable, charming, witty or badass. He barely reacts to what’s happening around him, only springing to life when there’s a CGI vampire face grafted onto his. The rest of the cast at least tries to do something, but again, the writing is really doing them no favors. Matt Smith has some of the more intriguing character aspects as the villain Milo, but not even his silly little getting-dressed dance brings the energy or excitement this film desperately needed. 

The film’s story plays out as incredibly predictably and is surprisingly toothless for a film about a vampire. Sony was definitely afraid to give this character any real edge or complexity, while in the comics Morbius is usually a tragic character trying to do good but is hindered by his lust for blood. Morbius is not even really an anti-hero here. His struggles with his newfound vampirism is never as heavy as the film would like you to believe, as he never really makes any dire choices like choosing whose blood he has to consume. He’s always a good guy, from beginning to end, with no real impactful stakes to be seen. And that’s the problem with these villain centric films; they don’t actually let them tap into their dark side because they’re afraid audiences won’t root for them, or kids won’t buy the toys. It’s one of the safest films I’ve seen in a long time, taking absolutely no risks because they realize they have your money already. 

The special effects are probably the most competent aspect of the film, even if they feel a little dated. I dig the vampire face effects for the most part, but it does kind of feel like a cop out by not making it a permanent look for the character. I get movies wanna squeeze the likeness of their lead actor out as much as they can, but it doesn’t feel as tragic when it just goes away when he’s not hungry. His movements in his vampire form reminds me a lot of Nightcrawler from the X-Men films, which is cool, but I do think the heavy use of slow-mo kind of dampens it. Also, no blood? In a vampire movie? I get Sony wants the PG-13 audience, but how are we really supposed to take this movie seriously when it can’t even tap into the horror elements that most likely made this character popular?

And the end credits scenes…my god. If you for some reason weren’t clued into what Sony was trying to do, this lays it out clear for you. They aren’t focused on originality, risks, coherency or even entertainment. They are here to make money by pumping out as many of these cash grabs as they can, using every minor character under the sun to squeeze out every last drop of their intellectual properties. They know you know these characters, and they are hoping and praying that’s enough of a reason for you to give them your money. I guess I can’t talk, because I actually paid to see this. But if you take one thing away from this video, let it be this. Don’t watch Morbius.

Rating

Artificial Blood

In the film, Dr. Michael Morbius invents a blue, artificial blood that can be used in place of real blood for transplants. When he become vampirized, he uses this artificial blood to stave off his craving for real blood, but it only works for so long. This gave me an interesting idea for a cocktail that was blue in appearance but red in taste…if that makes sense. Essentially, I wanted to make a drink that was flavored with traditionally red ingredients, like cherry and raspberry, but is blue in appearance thanks to some blue curacao. What I came up with is a light, refreshingly fruity cocktail that’s easy to drink but not overly sugary enough to give you a headache.

To really make the cocktail unique, I employed the use of a blood bag designed for drinks! Now you too can be like your favorite D-list hero and chug blood straight from the bag. If you’re interested in nabbing these bags for yourself, I found them on Amazon here.

Ingredients

• 2oz cherry vodka
• 1oz lime juice
• 3oz raspberry Bubly
• Splash of blue curacao

Instructions

1. Combine ingredients in a mixing glass with ice and stir to chill.
2. Pour into desired glass or blood bag.