There’s something wrong with Ben. And there’s something wrong with January. What’s usually considered Hollywood’s bathroom break actually has some really good looking movies coming out. No Other Choice is one of the best movies of 2025 and it’s finally seeing a wider release in America, 28 Years Later: The Bone Temple is following right behind it, and then there’s Primate. A movie about a funny monkey who becomes not so funny. It’s the movie that made Grace Randolph walk out without finishing it. Now, you’re probably wondering “Who’s Grace Randolph?”, but what you should be wondering is “Just how bad is it?” Well, at face value, it looks like another attempt at Blumhouse to make a quick buck with…wait, this isn’t a Blumhouse movie? Well, I’ll be a monkey’s uncle. So this is actually a creature flick from Paramount Pictures, so I’d have to assume this would be better than the average Blumhouse movie. And you know what, it is…kinda.

Primate is a very straightforward animal attack movie about a bunch of dumb teenagers getting trapped in a house with a rabies inflicted chimpanzee. Just me saying that probably gives you enough of an idea on how this plays out. But believe it or not, I don’t outright hate this thing. I mean, I can’t say I like it either. It’s incredibly generic, predictable and aggressively uninteresting at times, yet there are bits and pieces to it that won me over. There’s some decently executed moments of tension and some very fun, gnarly moments of gore. It’s certainly competent and does try to leave an impact on the viewer, but let’s unpack this barrel full of monkeys further to see if it’s worth spending your hard earned banana on.

First, the positives. I won’t say this is really a star-making vehicle for any of the actors involved, but you know what, they all do fine with what they’re given. What they’re given isn’t really much, but they manage to come off at least like regular humans for the most part rather than just annoying caricatures designed to be killed off. None of this applies to Troy Kotsur though, who I’m always happy to see pop up in something. And honestly, it’s pretty cool to see someone of his background have a role in a genre film like this that doesn’t make it all about his disability. But the film doesn’t shy away from it either, and there’s actually a pretty effective scene revolving around his lack of hearing that takes place during the climax that I found myself kinda digging. 

The film is unfortunately a little light on genuine moments of tension, but it manages to sort of make up for it with some pretty solid kills. I know this isn’t a Blumhouse flick, but I was half expecting their limp-wristed, pulled-punches style of kills. But this is rated R, baby. We get to see people have their face peeled off, their jaws ripped from their skull, and their heads caved in with a rock. And the movie doesn’t shy away from showing it either. It doesn’t get overly gratuitous, but it at least gives the sickos in the audience something to salivate over. If I had to critique them a bit, some of them are underlit and super close-up to the point you can hardly tell what you’re seeing. Give us our gore, damn it! Also, pretty solid monkey! It’s a guy in a suit for most of it from what I can tell, and that makes the whole thing feel a bit more realistic believe it or not.

And, you know, if that’s enough for you, then maybe you’ll have a good time with this. But, as someone who’s seen everything from Anaconda to Meth Alligator, nothing about this really wowed me. I’ll give the film some credit, it doesn’t waste its time with the BS and gets right into the action fairly quickly. That’s nice, but at the same time, it makes the film feel a bit hollow. The characters don’t have much to them, and the film establishes some conflict that doesn’t really have any payoff. Things like the main character’s frenemy inserting herself into her plans and the MC having some family tension after the death of the mom doesn’t get used in the story at all later on. It seems like these moments were included to flesh the characters out, but it all ends up being relatively unimportant in the grand scheme of things. I was actually a little surprised to see that there was nothing deeper to this movie. I didn’t need this to be Chimp-azin Kane or Lawrence of Ape-rabia or anything, but I was kinda shocked there’s no real takeaway from this. Like, owning monkeys is still a controversial thing in this day and age, and the movie doesn’t really seem to act like it’s a bad thing. I guess the message here is not to mess around with rabies, but the film doesn’t even portray it in a realistic light.

But maybe I’m the dumb baboon for expecting something like that in the first place. I guess I could have asked for it to be a little more scary, as I didn’t really find it that tense. Not because I knew most of these characters weren’t going to make it, but because there were a lot of contrivances in order to instill some form of tension into this. For instance, if the monkey was in full on rage mode the entire time, I’d actually find that scarier. Like an unrelenting zombie, it would have been much harder to sidestep and contain, which would require the characters to get creative to survive it.  But the mood and intentions of Ben constantly switches to whatever will make the scene work, pulling back on his viciousness just so a character can grab something important to the plot. To me, that’s just not very tense.

But look, this is exactly what it’s advertising here. It’s a simple but bloody creature feature that might not deliver on the biggest thrills, but the silly brutality behind it all at least makes it watchable. There’s certainly a much worse direction this thing could have gone in, and I’m thankful for that, but I don’t think there’s anything here that really makes me want to revisit this again. Well, maybe that weirdly sensual, red-lit thing where Ben pins that guy to the bed and sticks his fingers in his mouth. Woof. Come on, Ben, buddy. I was just getting over my Candy Kong addiction.

RATING